...disappointingly not as unbelievable as real news.
Rain affected Brit GP to be decided by the Duckworth-Lewis method.
F1 bosses have sensationally revealed a plan to adapt cricket's Duckworth-Lewis mathematical formulation to ensure this weekend's British Grand Prix gets a result, should bad weather intervene and make completion of the 52 laps impossible. "The problem with the current method of awarding victory after a red flag is that it tends to favour the driver in front – and that's just not complicated enough," said an F1 boss spokesperson. "Instead, we're going to use a statistical analysis method that incorporates lap times, tyre wear and fuel use within a calculation matrix so obscure punters in the grandstands will assume we're just throwing darts at a board."
Haas' brake disc speaks out!
Haas team bosses have publicly chastised their own brake discs for constantly bad-mouthing driver Romain Grosjean live on air. The left front was particularly vocal at Spielberg, squeeling that Romain had all the touch and feel of a drunken teenager fumbling in the dark for his first bra hook. "Honestly I can't work with this man," grumbled the inanimate lump of carbon, before later claiming its remarks were taken out-of-context by a TV producer with an agenda.
"That's not a jump-start," says scornful Maldonado
Claims that Valtteri Bottas jumped the start at the recent Austrian Grand Prix have been rubbished by a Maldonado. "That's not a jump-start," said a scornful Venezalian Venicewalian South American. "To properly jump a start you have to be through La Source and halfway to Eau Rouge before anyone else has even dipped the clutch. This is amateur hour!"
Sauber and Honda the new Ross and Rachel
The latest twist in the Sauber-Honda saga has got tongues wagging on the world wide web with news that future storylines may involve a break-up between F1's newest sweethearts. The quirky Swiss and the loveable but essentially troublesome Japanese techno-freak have become the breakout stars of the 2017 season, their burgeoning and sometimes painfully uncoordinated romance winning an army of fans. Showrunners, however, have announced they have more surprises in store for the power couple. "We can't just let them drive off very slowly into a smokey sunset," said an anonymous executive in F1's drama department. "We need to extract some more excitement from the situation – like when Ross and Rachel inexplicably split up and spent the next seven seasons moaning about it – but hopefully without one of the characters turning into a strangely unlovable asshat."
British Grand Prix heads East
A surprise contender has emerged to take over British Grand Prix hosting duties should Silverstone not find it possible to locate all of its toys and put them back in the pram. The East Anglian city of Norwich is rumoured to be preparing a bid to host the race from 2020 onwards, utilising a Tilke-designed street circuit. Citing proximity to Holland, four different beer festivals and a football club that once reached the third round of the EUFA cup as its most attractive features, the city where Colin Chapman once bought his sandwiches believes it's in with a good shot of capturing the famous race. "We have a Premier Inn and two Nando's," said a man outside the town hall. "What more to do you want, a unicorn?"