Spy's Fake News – 'cos this week you'd never believe the truth anyway.
Down with this sort of thing!
The recent exciting race at Monza has led to public calls for a dramatic rethink of F1's rules. Grid penalties in the Italian Grand Prix led to an enthralling race for the 93,000 spectators packed into Monza, with heaps of overtaking and battles up and down the field from the lights to the chequered flag.
Naturally this had led to calls for change. "It's not proper F1 is it?" said a pub bore recently. "All those penalties for doing stuff that the rules say you're not allowed to do, it should be stopped. F1 is all about tradition and what could be more traditional than nodding off after the first couple of laps, safe in the knowledge the positions won't change until the flag? These people are destroying the sport."
Lord of the Flies remade with F1 drivers
Spy's hearing rumours of a daring new Hollywood adaptation of William Golding's iconic postwar novel Lord of the Flies. According to industry sources, the major twist of the latest adaptation will see the story remade with a cast made up entirely of F1 drivers.
The classic tale of public school boys stranded on a desert island without parents, girls or Snapchat has been enthralling audiences since the novel was originally published in 1954. It has since been adapted for the screen several times – but this latest version is sure to cause a social media backlash by remaining essentially faithful to the Nobel-Prize winning author's original vision and not featuring a daring all-female cast or any cute, animated animals.
"It's the story of backstabbing, vengeance and brutality, as seen through the eyes of feral, adolescent boys with entitlement issues," said an embarrassed producer. "We wanted to remain faithful to the book and F1 drivers seemed a natural pick. Fish, barrel, etc.,"
Fernando Alonso is expected to play Roger.
New infrared cameras detect cheating
The latest gimmick from new F1 overlords Liberty Media will see the infrared cameras, previously used to demonstrate tyre temperatures, ripped off the cars and redeployed in the paddock TV Square. Recalibrated, the cameras will accurately demonstrate to the viewers at home the scale of the lies being told in the post-race huddle. Planned for introduction at the Hungarian Grand Prix, the launch of the new bullshitometer was put back after the prototype cameras melted, having been mistakenly sited in the press conference room.
Ice pack ballast
In a desperate move to keep drivers cool, several teams this weekend are rumoured to be replacing their Densamet ballast with picnic hamper freezer packs. With high ambient temperatures and under-seat energy stores working overtime on the start-stop Marina Bay track, several drivers have expressed concern over the potential for them to face the phenomenon known as 'hot bottom'. "It's a two-hour race through hell, and the last thing you need is a burning backside," said an unnamed Australian F1 driver. "I mean sure, you can keep your flameproof undies in the freezer until game time but it's not going to get you to the flag, is it?" Other solutions rumoured to have been tested include bags of frozen peas, ice pops and a quick arctic blast of Dr Marko's piercing glare.